dysphoria: Knives
by Faery Goddyss
Summary: Afer being under the care of Vash and the Insurance Girls, Knives finally leaves. These are his last thoughts and the short story of his departure. (One-shot. COMPLETE)


**Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun.**

* * *

_dysphoria: Knives_

He walked on, through the vengeful desert, ignoring the heat that was aimed at his back. He looked to the sky, but when was the last time the sky had brought anything of importance to him? He was tired, alone and done.

_Done?_

Maybe. His hatred, his personal anger for humans… it wasn't gone. It'd never be gone, but he was…

He didn't know. The anger was still present, but at the moment he wasn't going to do anything about it. Vash had wanted him to make a promise before he had left. Promise that he'd leave them alone.

-

'Leave them alone? Be another face in the human crowd? I cannot.' He had thought, so he left. When Knives had lost the fight between his twin, his mind opened, but his heart was as bitter as ever. Maybe a little more because of the defeat he'd have to endure. Of course, Vash hadn't gloated. He'd made no mention of the fight unless, he himself brought it up.

And when he was living with his brother and his two human friends, he brought it up a lot. He could tell it pained Vash to talk abut it. Vash, while accepting his win, wasn't comfortable talking about it. Knives pushed him to admit that yes he was the better fighter. He had even tried to push Vash to say he was the better plant, the better being, and superior to even him.

But that, he would not.

"We're equals Knives. That's what I've been trying to show you for centuries. We're all just equal." He had said.

Knives had scoffed in anger. It had only made him furious. He had wanted Vash to say it. But he wouldn't, because Vash was the good one. This made him the evil twin, a role he had enjoyed playing.

"It's like he wants to be bitterer, more enraged at me." Vash had confided to the two humans.

He had done so, when they all thought Knives was sleeping. He had smiled his acidic smile in his pillow that night. Vash had been right.

Knives wanted to hate his brother as much as he could. It made living with him more bearable. The whole time during his stay with them Knives was angry, distant, and hating. He ignored Vash, when he wasn't pumping him about the fight, ignored the humans and stayed to himself. Locked in his room nearly all day, everyday.

But even he grew wary of such habits. He was a plant, a true part of the cycle of Nature. Not even he could ignore that. It was one morning, a warm comfortable day, that he decided to leave the confinements of the cave he put himself in.

Walking into the living room had startled everyone. The tallest female had dropped a cup breaking it. The smaller one's eyes had nearly bugged out at she gasped and Vash looked at him with suspicion, curiosity and happiness all mixed in one face. He had tried to address him right away.

Knives would have none of it. He didn't _want _to be treated like he was a part of this "loving environment". He made a gesture of silence, which at once hushed his brother before he had a chance to really say anything.

"I'm going for a walk." He had told them simply and proceeded to exit the small house. Upon leaving he heard words of protest from the humans. They didn't want him walking around freely. They didn't know what he would do._ What was he up to? Where was he going? _All things they had wondered.

Knives had smirked at this. Even if he _had_ voiced that he would never attempt to hurt mankind again, (something he'd never do) they would not believe him. They didn't like him. How could he expect them too? A mass murderer, hell bent on eliminating their species. The same man who had been responsible for the death of their dear Nicholas D. Wolfwood. They had been accepting him for Vash's sake, because Vash was a friend, because they wanted Vash to be happy.

Knives clenched his fist. Everything was _always _about Vash's happiness, everything always had been. But what about his happiness? No one cared, but that was fine with him. He didn't want pity or sympathy, and humans had a knack for issuing both.

His walk in the human town had bored him that day and only proved to him that he had seen the correct path. Humans needed to be eliminated. He witnessed beatings, cruelty, selfishness and disrespect on that one walk alone. The people had eyed him, not trusting him in the least. They didn't know who he was and that's where the distrust came from.

_The Unknown. _What they didn't know, they feared, and they hated. It was common knowledge that, _that_ was human tendency.

-

Knives stopped his contemplation and walking for a moment to wipe the sweat that had started to spill from his forehead. He disliked sweat; it was a human body reaction and only reminded him, that while he was a plant he still had humanistic features.

Vash always thought he should embrace those features since they were still a part of him. He had shaken his head, saying nothing, not having been in the mood to talk to his brother.

The bitter plant looked down at his hands… so human. He tensed.

-

In the beginning, when he had first arrived over Vash's shoulder, bullets still embedded, blood everywhere, the smaller human had touched his hand softly. It was to be a gesture and a sign. That she would help him to heal, to help him get better. She had smiled. The smile was all he had needed to fuel the anger that had been dull because of the pain.

He had smacked her, with the back of his hand, as hard as he could muster. She went flying against the wall. The sound had brought in Vash and the other human. The tall female had taken one look at her friend and put her hands to her mouth in shock. She had rushed to her friend's side, calling her name.

Vash hadn't said anything but his eyes were steady on his brothers. Knives had eyed him back, only half wondering what he would do. Vash had helped the fallen human and told the tall one to take care of her friend.

Knives hadn't really done that much damage. He was still weak from the gunshots, but because the girl was human it had done enough. He had managed to hit her in the face, so a few teeth had been broken and her mouth had erupted in blood, not to mention that her cheek was probably beyond repair.

When the females had left, Vash gave his brother a look. A hard one. He was trying to read his brothers thoughts. But since he had always disregarded that gift, the one Knives had always been trying to teach him in the past, he failed.

Vash's look dumbfounded Knives. His eyebrows were scrunched together and his mouth was a little lopsided, his eyes giving nothing away. He didn't say anything about what he had just done. He never did, but Knives never attempted to hurt those humans after that. Not that they actually attempted to come near him after that incident.

-

Taking a deep breath Knives began to walk again. It had been a week since he had left. It was a decision he, surprisingly, had thought long and hard about. Naturally he didn't want to be near the humans, but there _was_ something that had kept him there as long as he had been.

His brother.

While his loathing of his brother and become near unbearable, the thought to leave hadn't occurred for the longest of times. When it did, he had surprised himself.

-

'Leave…_Vash_?' He had wondered to himself.

The separation of the two twins was not abnormal but still a little strange. It had only been the past few decades that they hadn't been in much contact, until Knives had founded his great plan.

And when he had lost the fight, both twins had unconsciously thought that was it. That now they'd be together for the rest of their lives. The thought agonized Knives, while comforting Vash. Regardless, Knives still wanted to be with Vash. They were brothers, how could he not? They had a stronger bond than human siblings had, because of what they were and because of what they had gone through together. It was a sort of loyalty that he hadn't thought of breaking.

Besides he had a feeling that if he left, he wouldn't lay eyes or a thought on Vash again. This would, of course, be his decision alone.

When the idea of leaving had occurred to him he could think of nothing else. His first thought had been Vash would never allow it. Vash felt it his own personal responsibility to care for him. Another notch that had made him more bitter.

He debated for days, then weeks about the possibility of leaving Vash with the humans he cared so much about. To break all contact with him. A few days before his final decision to depart his brother had confronted him. It was at night, when the females were asleep and he had been standing outside in the cold, leaning against the porch frame.

He had sensed his brother coming out and when Vash did he leaned against the same porch, in the same fashion his brother was. Vash was always serious with him now. There was no joking with Knives. Joking was reserved for the humans, and the long gone younger version. This Knives wouldn't tolerate it.

Knives never once looked over at his brother, and he had no intention on speaking with him, but Vash was staring at him and he had been the one to initiate conversation.

"How long do you intend to act like this?" He had asked.

"Like what?" Knives played to fool, but he knew full well what his brother meant.

"Bitter, angry at the world, angry at me." Vash answered.

"I'm not angry at the world, what has this planet done to me except give humans the resources they needed to survive… no I'm not angry at the world. Maybe I'm a little angry at you though…" Knives had trailed off, but continued after a moment's silence.

"As for how long I intend to act like this? How dare you ask me that."

Vash sighed.

"Life will be more bearable if you release that anger and try to live a happy life." He had said.

Knives scoffed. "Life would be more bearable if the creatures you adore so much were destroyed."

Vash didn't have to say anything for Knives to know he was walking on thin ice.

Knives steered from that. "Do you intend to live like this forever?"

Vash gave his brother a surprised look. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. A life with the humans, in this insane idea of euphoria. Are you really going to enjoy this? Knowing what they're doing to _your _kind? _Your_ fellow brothers and sisters?"

Vash had taken a moment to answer. "That'll be something to work on over the years. Finding a different means of energy to live by. I'll help them find alternate sources… you could too. With the both of us working together we could-"

Knives didn't allow Vash to finish. "Do not go that route, Vash. There will be no helping from my part."

Silence.

"So you're really going to stay here with them, and live among them…_as if you're one of them._" Knives had asked quietly, just above a whisper.

Vash gave his brother a saddened look. "Yes. I really am… you're not are you Knives?"

He knew. At that moment Knives knew that Vash had figured out that he had been debating on leaving.

"I could never." He had replied and Vash had merely nodded.

"I never really expected you to, but I wanted to try. I wanted to see if you'd surprise me."

"Sorry to disappoint you." Knives answered.

"I'm not disappointed, just sad that we can't stay together. Sad that our personal beliefs pull at us like this…where will you go?"

Knives didn't know then, and he didn't know now, so he answered truthfully.

"I don't know. I imagine I'll create the Eden I long for. A small personal one. One for me, and for the fallen plant angels I meet along the way. You should come."

Vash knew it wasn't a suggestion. It was an ultimatum. _"Come along and join the society I plan to create or never come at all." _It's what Knives wasn't saying out loud.

Vash hesitated, and it was that hesitation that saved him from Knives' wrath. If he had answered without even thinking of the question, without showing he even cared, Knives would have shot him with the hidden gun aimed at Vash in his pockets.

"I can't Knives."

It had been a simple response and Knives hadn't asked for a reason, even though Vash would have gladly given him one. Knives already knew why, it was the same reason as always. Vash loved them. He loved protecting them and hearing all their different but not so unique stories. Besides, Knives had an irritating feeling his brother had greater emotions than friendship for the human female he had smacked. The small raven haired one.

"So be it Vash, so be it." Knives had erected himself to his full height and walked back into the small little house and to his bedroom. Leaving his brother out in the coldness of the night, to think what ever thoughts were swirling in his mind.

He would leave the next morning, before the others woke, but when he stepped out of his room and walked towards the front door the presence of the petite human overwhelmed him.

He turned to look at her. Her cheek was fixed. It had surprised him. Humans were advancing faster than he imagined.

_No matter. It will be disastrous in the end, their own downfall. Just like before._

He turned away to leave when she had the nerve to speak.

"Are you leaving for good?" She had asked.

He didn't know why he had bothered to answer. Maybe because he was intrigued at her courage to speak to him again.

"I fail to see how that is _any _your business, but yes. I am. Rejoice if you must, but do it when I'm gone."

He started to walk off again. Her voice stopped him again.

"Why?" She had asked. Such a simple question but it had caused him to actually turn back and look at her closely. Uncaringly but slightly suspicious.

"That's not something that I… would _ever_ …tell you. My reasons are my own."

She continued to speak. The impudence…

"Couldn't you stay for Vash? He's been so happy at your being here. He's talked non stop of the things you two could do together."

Knives first thought that she was lying, but after a quick scan of her mind he found she was telling the truth. While apparently pleased at Knives' presence in the house, Knives himself had always thought Vash secretly didn't want him there. The proverbial burden.

Knives was silent for a moment or two. "I will not stay for Vash. We are two different beings with very different beliefs. I'd end up leaving eventually. We have talked already."

With that said, Knives left not wanting to converse any longer. He had meant to ask where Vash was that morning, he knew his brother wasn't in the house, but after her last question and comments he didn't want her to think he cared.

Walking out of the town he never looked back, why should he? There was nothing there he wanted.

'_Vash, what about your brother?'_ That part of the mind which nags, asked him.

Knives didn't answer it; there'd be no satisfying it. When he reached the desert hills, that overlooked the town, _that_ question was answered. Vash stood at the top. With a questioning look, Knives approached his brother.

Vash was already looking at him.

"What are you doing way over here? What if I had taken this opportunity to kill the humans in that little house?" Knives asked.

Vash frowned. "Don't talk like that. I trust you, and cant I say goodbye to my brother? The only one I have and the one who has decided to shut me out forever?"

Knives shook his head in disgust. "It was your decision."

"It was _not _my decision to never keep in touch. That was your choice. Why can't we ever see each other again Knives?"

"Because I can hardly stand to look at you… at what you've become." Knives' voice had been full of malice during that last conversation.

"The thought, the very idea that you choose _them_ over me… _her_… over me…" Knives didn't finish.

Vash bit his lip. "I'll look for you someday. I'll want to see this Eden that you create."

"Don't bother, you'll never find me and if by some miracle you did, I wouldn't allow you to see it. I dare say you'd taint it."

Knives could see his words had hurt his brother but he didn't retract them, because he meant what he had said. They were brothers, yes, but Knives was through with the struggle.

This struggle to overcome their differences and beliefs. It couldn't be helped. He knew who he was. He was the "evil" twin, and they never won.

'_But I will someday.'_ The thought had come from nowhere and it gave him a jolt. So his fighting spirit hadn't died after all. It hadn't been overcome with his present bitterness. Knives turned and looked out over the wasteland. There was nothing for as far as the eye could see.

"Bye Vash." Were his at words to his brother before walking away.

Vash had called out one last request. "Promise me you won't hurt the humans Knives. Please promise you'll let them live their lives."

Knives said nothing and kept walking. Vash went on.

"I'll only stop you again Knives, so please save us both the pain of another fight… Goodbye brother."

-

Knives thought nothing of what his brother had said, but the words played in his mind every so often. Especially now that he was alone and tired. He had reached the spot he would have made the Eden if he hadn't been struck with a sudden surge of revelation.

He'd get stronger, stronger than his brother. He didn't know how or when that would be, but when he did the human race would cease to exist. If Vash attempted to interfere, as Knives knew he would, he'd be ready, stronger and with the bigger will to win. He would win the second time around, and he'd hurt Vash so much that he would be _forced_ to see things his way. Knives smiled.

It was the first time he had smiled since the day of that last fight. But no, it wasn't the last fight. It was only the beginning of a new epoch for Knives.

_End_

-

AN: I wrote this on a COMPLETE whim. And now look at the time, 2:16 a.m. So if it makes no sense or is an editor's nightmare that's why.

Yours truly,  
Faery Goddyss


End file.
